How To Make Money With Eggplant

 DS didn’t grow-up with sisters and has no clue about women or women’s ways. Instead he was raised with a house full of brothers who teased each other. To get the brothers feathers ruffled, their childhood game was trying to get the other brothers annoyed enough to chase them down the street and through the neighborhood. They were all very competitive and just kept egging each other on. And I have the gold medal winner.

Since he is clueless about women’s ways and doesn’t listen to explanations when he asks about them, he makes-up his own definitions of things.

When I was walking into the store with my sleeping baby in one hand and my purse in another. My purse got caught on the door handle and the lady behind me helped me get it off. Since I was still too far in front of it, it was too snug for a few seconds until I took a step back and it loosened enough for her to slip it off. I mouthed a “Thanks”, she nodded “Your welcome.” and we went our separate ways. The whole process took less than 30 seconds but DS caught it through the corner of his eye. He stopped walking and slyly acted like he was looking at a gum ball machine. I had to stop and re-adjust the baby and when the lady passed by us DS couldn’t contain himself. “Oooo, what was that all about?”

I know this means he totally missed the whole thing and saw the two of us looking at each other at the end of the purse-catching-on-the-door moment. I also know he thinks this is a cat fight. Since he didn’t offer to help with the baby, I was leaning way over to the side so that gravity would keep the baby’s head on my shoulder. “For crying out loud, it wasn’t a cat fight.”

“Yes, it was! I saw that, you two had your claws out.”

I just rolled my eyes and walked leaning to my side to grab a cart so I could put my purse down and adjust the baby. I needed to get just a few things and apparently the lady that helped me needed to get the same things because we ran into her all over the store. Every time we passed her DS would nudge me and say “There’s your friend.”

“Hey, there she is again.”

“Oh she wants to fight again.”

This wasn’t said discretely this was intentionally loud enough for the lady to hear. I’m used to people giving me looks like ‘Is-this-man-bothering-you?’ But this time when I got the look, DS saw it too and just about shouted, “Are you going to let her get away with that?”

I looked back at her and gave her the ‘No, I-married-this-ass’ look and I could see the pity. She had one at home too. DS was busy sizing-up another other lady in the aisle, “Uh-oh, it’s going to be a gang fight.”

While he was playing his game, we walked over to the produce department and I picked up an eggplant. “What is that?”

I ignored him.

“What is that thing?” Damn, he wasn’t distracted enough.

I know that if I tell him it’s an eggplant, he won’t eat it because he “doesn’t like eggplant” so I told him it was, “In case I see her again.”

We eat eggplant around here all the time and DS’s favorite dish is made with it. The kids and I call it the “fancy potatoes” when he’s around. We have all kinds of names for things we don’t want DS to know about. When we talk about school we say the “book store” and when we talk about girls we say “the neighbor”. This saves my children from the childhood game DS still plays and it saves me from serving 10-20 years.

But now the lady was walking by and DS was expecting us to continue our cat fight. I didn’t want him to start fussing and figure out the “fancy potatoes” so I walked over to the lady with the eggplant in my hand and said, “How’d you get so lucky not to have to bring yours to the store?”

She is now my hero. “He travels for work.” I could hear the choir.

When we got home, I googled travel agent schools. I now run a home-based travel agency. My business’s main goal is sending my ’employee’ to a conference for a week. And when someone asks me why I got into the travel business, I skip the details and give them the have-you-met-my-husband look.

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