Making A Name For Yourself

DS is constantly calling my name. He thinks this is a trigger that will get my attention so he can ask me questions all day. He’ll ask me things like, “Alexandra, where’s the remote?” Sometimes I will give him hints about my hiding places and answer, “Did you look on top of the TV?” I always know when he has found the secret location because those questions stop and he starts a new line of questioning.

Sometimes I will tell him where I didn’t put things.“Alexa, where’s a towel?”

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t put them in the freezer.” By some unknown force this triggers him to look for a towel in the linen closet where surprisingly he has gotten a towel from before.

With all the changes going on in the world I decided it was time I needed to make a change too. So I changed my name. I didn’t legalize it because I only changed it when DS used it.

When he would call my old name I just wouldn’t answer. He would then panic and track me down. “Didn’t you hear me calling you?”

“Were you talking to me?.”

This freed up so much of my time. I could go to the bathroom and not have to use lightening speed. I could talk on the phone without putting someone on hold. I even had time to really start hiding things around the house.

The kids would tell me, “Dad’s calling you.”

“No, he’s calling for Alexandra.” They looked puzzled so I clued them in.

DS found me again and told me he had been calling me. He needed help with finding his shoes.

“Alexa, I’ve been calling you. Have you seen my shoes.” I didn’t answer of course because he was talking to someone else.

The kids wanted to help their dad so they would ask him to ask me things. “Dad, what’s mom fixing for dinner?”

“Alexandra? What’s for dinner?” The kids would laugh and make comments about when they get married they’re going to know their spouses name.

A few days after my name change DS asked me, “Did you change your name?” I guess the kids couldn’t keep the secret in any longer. I told him I did and he asked what my new name was. Like I’m telling him.

One of the most often asked questions are “Alexa, have you seen my keys?” Since this question has been asked so often it sounds more like a buzzing in my ears than actually words. The man is incapable of keeping the same set of keys for more than a week. He has lost them so many times that he is no longer allowed to keep more than his car key on his key chain. He has lost the key chain with the remote car started on it. He has lost the keys to our house. He has lost the PO Box key. He has lost the safety deposit box key. You name a key and he has lost it. We have gotten him the kind of key chains that fasten to his belt buckle and he has lost that whole thing within a few hours. We have had to go to the car dealership to have keys made so many times that we could have bought a new car there and spent less money.  We buy keys by the bulk around here. I have a box in my office filled with spare keys.

Being the sharing person that he is, he has not only lost his keys but he has lost mine too. If he can’t find his keys he will use mine and then he loses those. After he “borrows” my keys I will stand at the door and get them back as he walks in the house. Twice he has parked the car in the driveway, walked up the sidewalk, walked to the front door and when I opened my hand for him to hand over the keys, he couldn’t find them. From the driveway to the front door, lost.

We were on the road for vacation one time and stopped to grab a bite to eat. We all ate and went back to the car to get back on the road. While he looked all over the restaurant for his keys we waited and met some nice people from Pennsylvania. The manager from the store had to show him where the dumpster was so DS could find his keys. As the kids and I chatted with the people from Pennsylvania I saw DS climb out of the dumpster shaking his keys. Stand back girls, he’s all mine.

He has called me many times from the store because he lost his keys while shopping. If it wasn’t for the grocery’s he would have sat there like the time he drove to the bank. He needed to “drop off some papers to the bank and he’d be back in a minute.” An hour later he called me from the bank, “Alexa, can you bring a key to me?”

“You have the wrong number, there’s no Alexa here.”

He called back. “My cell phone battery is running out, I’m at the bank. I need a key….”

“I’ll give her the message.” Click. The click was from his end. He should have charged his phone before he left. Too bad he couldn’t use the charger that was no doubt locked in the car. I’m sure Alexa would have liked to hear more pleading.

Later that afternoon when I was dropping our daughter off to kindergarten I swung by the bank to pick him up. He was propped up laying his head against the car and he didn’t notice me. I didn’t want to disturb what looked like praying so I left. There were plenty of errands I needed to run that day and I even got a few errands for the coming days done as well. Some of the errands took me back and forth in front of the bank and I waved as I passed. I stopped for coffee across the street from the bank and when I came out he was by my car. I gave him a ride home and asked where he’d been all day.

I am older and wiser now than I was when I first met DS and that is why I will never tell him my name. He has tried to get my attention with “Honey” and “Hey” but I am immune to these tactics. He even tried to change his name in order to bargain a trade but that didn’t work because he kept answering to DS and because I didn’t care what his new name was. I did break down once and told him that if he could keep the same set of keys without losing them for one month I would tell him what my name is. That was 5 years ago and he still doesn’t know my name. If, by some divine intervention, he ever does keep the same keys for a month, I’ll keep my promise and tell him my new name. Then I’ll change it again.

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